This first is from my friend Jean:
"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the Devil says "Oh Crap she's up".
And this is from my friend Dave:
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him 'Are you allergic to anything?' He answered 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?' 'Yes - I was in the army for two years.'
The interviewer said 'Good, that'll get you an extras 5 points toward employment'
He then asked 'Are you disabled in any way?' 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer terminates the interview by saying 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer said 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b.....cks, not really any point in you coming in for that.'