Sunday, 11 October 2009

TAX OFFICE LETTER

Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs with a sense of humour This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. This person deserves to be Prime Minister.


”Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

Isn’t that brilliant?

Now an update on OG. The oncologist is at a loss to know what is happening. According to the result of the ultrasound his liver and bile duct are clear of any obstruction but the blood test is still abnormal. He is now feeling extremely unwell and practically bedridden. Last night he was in so much pain that he was going to wake me up to call an ambulance. He didn’t and this morning the pain is not so bad.

The doctor is urgently trying to refer him to a liver specialist, but he is all booked up so that’s where we are at the moment. More blood tests this week and an MRI soonest.

15 comments:

DogLover said...

I disagree! What a stupid letter! The one from the (non)-taxpayer should have been ignored and further enforcement action taken immediately. From the way he evidently wrote to HMRC it is clear that he's an obsessed nutcase and won't be deterred in his obstinacy by any letter, no matter in what way it's written!

People who are members of Club Great Britain should pay their club subscriptions. If they don't like the things the club committee are doing, they should vote them out.

Maggie May said...

I think its rather funny!
Nuts in May

Retiredandcrazy said...

Oh get a life DogLover. If I didn't know your keen sense of humour better it would seem that you are letting your ex-Public Servant head rule. And I know that's not true!

Retiredandcrazy said...

You are right Maggie, it is extremely funny.

DogLover said...

Yes! I must get out more!

ladythinker said...

I'm so sorry that OG is having such a rough time - worrying for you. I hope all goes well and SOON.
Thanks for the laugh - am just going to print it off to share with MyMan.

Wayne Ashford said...

Funniest letter I have read in some time, very clever.

Love to OG, wish him well from me.
Wayne
xxx

Fran said...

There's an award for you at my site, if you're interested. Love your blog.

Mr. Nighttime said...

Seems like Inland Revenue and our Internal Revenue Service have been taking lessons from one another.

On a more serious note, as a liver transplant recipient, and someone that lived with liver disease for many years, if you need any advice or want to blow some of OG's liver test numbers by me, feel free to do so. have they checked for any obstructions in the liver blood vessel system?

Hope he is on the mend soon

Retiredandcrazy said...

I hope you man liked it ladythinker. I thought it was so funny.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Your best wishes have been passed on Wayne. By the way it was lovely to see you and Chloe again you both look well.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Thanks so much Fran, I'm a bit tied up at the minute but I'll visit your blog soonest! Love, Ann xx

Retiredandcrazy said...

Yes, I remember you talking about your liver transplant. Yesterday OG's Live function stats were :-
Protein 79 g/l -
lobulin 43 g/l
ALT/SGPT 102 -
bilirubin 37 i,ol/l -
gamma GT 1442.

All double dutch to me but sufficiently worrying for the GP to want them run again tomorrow.

The ultrasound didn't show any blockages.

Thanks for you concern, I really, really appreciate it.

Mr. Nighttime said...

His bilirubin is 37??? Unless they're using a different measuring system, that is WAY off the charts. Is he jaundiced?

Retiredandcrazy said...

Well I suppose they could use a different measure Mr N but from the form I have it looks as thought this level should be between 3-20. He isn't jaundiced or itching which is strange. Hopefully the MRI will through up some answers on Friday.